Parmesan Eyeball Monkey

I have been having the MOST disturbing dreams lately. I guess I had one inspired by the man with the removable face. My mom forced me to get plastic surgery (apparently I didn't have a choice) and they removed my entire face. I was just two eyeballs and a brain. Then they gave me this other face to clip onto my face. I was especially disturbed by my nose which was just flat. I dunno, the dream was so real and so vivid I woke up so stressed out. 

Then last night I had a dream that I was at one of my parents' parties. I was swimming in the pool when I looked up and saw a human-monkey thing watching me from the kitchen window. I went inside and there were 5 monkeys that all came up to my hip but and were basically miniature people. I dunno.

ANYWAY.

I tried to watch the Godfather for the hundredth time yesterday. It didn't work. I can't tell the difference between any of the characters. They all look the same.

I made the best eggplant parmesan in the world. YEAH. 

Smelly Beings Organization

So one stupid night I was drunk and making out with a dude. The next day I woke up next to my friend and said "Shit! I can't believe I made out with someone, I smelled sooo bad!" Then I expected her to be like NAW GIRL YOU SMELLED GREAT. But she said "Whatever dude, drunk people smell like shit."

Then today I asked my friend if vegetarians' farts smelled worse. She said "All farts are worse" and then told me that when her vegetarian sister sleeps she smells like shit.

I really like the idea of just your state of existence being smelly. 

Pathetic Soulmate

Could I be any more pathetic right now? My roommates are gone again. They all have boyfriends so I'm never invited. I have to get all fancy tonight and go to see the Orchestre Symphonique de Montreal by myself. At least I get to wear my Alexander McQueen dress. I lost the TV remote like a week ago so my TV is stuck on Much Music (the WORST Canadian channel probably aimed at 14 year old girls in 1996). I've seen the finale of America's Best Dance Crew 4 times. I've been playing Boggle against the computer all day. On top of all this I had to create a blog about Frank Zappa for one of my classes which makes me feel exponentially more pathetic. I'm not linking it. 

The weirdest thing happened to me a couple days ago. I was walking to school and this guy walked past me. He was tall and French and scruffy. It was like, out of a movie. All of the sudden I had tunnel vision and felt like I was connected to him with a string. I stopped walking and just stared and had the weirdest feeling rush over me. OK, I see hot guys all the time that I drool over, but this was just weird. I THINK HE WAS MY SOULMATE? Oh soulmate, I've lost you forever. 

On another note, I've pretty much decided that the depths of Hell are filled with Tyra Banks audience members. And you are the teen that wants to get pregnant.

Naked Cheques

By the way, I suggest NOT showing up at my curtainless window at 2 AM unless you want to see ~my everything~. ie: me, drunk, naked, sitting at my desk writing cheques. 

K!

Studly Fleiss Parrot

I went to Toronto for a week and on the train ride back I watched the BEST documentary on youtube. Internet on the train? It was about Heidi Fleiss trying to make a man brothel or a "Stud Farm." She is so one of those Hollywood people who say they're gonna do something really big and exciting but are actually just eating macaroni and cheese in a truck. She can't string one sentence together and all in all is terrifying BUUUT  she made friends with her neighbor- a 90 year old ex-madame who lived with 2390482 exotic birds. Heidi fell in love with a parrot named Dalton. The old lady died and left all her birds to Heidi, so now she lived in Nevada with 23908230 birds like a zombie. The whole time I was wondering if it was actually an episode of Intervention.

 Heidi Fleiss' dad was my pediatrician. 

Also, that sweater. ~*Pandering*~